Monday, February 8, 2010

"Chicken and Mac-e Cheese"

I am not sure of what to write today, so you all are getting a post off the cuff. This is it, as it rolls out of my brain.

This week is Congenital Heart Disease Awareness Week. Statistics say that 81 babies everyday in the United States are born with CHD. Some parents, like my Hubs and I, know in advance at least some of the problems before the baby is born and other parents are not as fortunate and are completely caught off guard. CHD, if undiagnosed can cause heart failure suddenly and is one of the leading causes in juvenile sporting event deaths. My precious Nathaniel is a CHD statistic. He is the reason I walk in the Heart Walk. He is the reason I spend all of February focusing on heart month. He is the reason I take candy up to the nurses on the heart floor at Children's Hospital once a year. This year I made broaches for myself, my mom and a twitter friend. I am also making pins for the people that will be walking with me in the heart walk. Awareness of CHD WILL save lives.

I guess, because I have been doing a lot of talking about Nathaniel in the last few days my emotions are just a little exposed, more so than usual. Yesterday in church they sang a beautiful song. I love the song, but it was one of the songs they sang at Nathaniel's funeral. I bawled and bawled. It took me straight back to his funeral, it was as if I was there, all over again. Don't get me wrong I have relived his death and funeral many times, but last night as I sat there listening and crying I did what I normally do~I recall the last thing he ever said to me. Remembering, hearing his little voice in my head always brought me comfort. His voice is fading. It's getting harder to remember what he sounded like. It was hard for me to recall last night, it took longer to remember (which probably accounted for a lot of those tears). I don't like that. I don't want to forget what he sounded like. In the first few weeks after his death I would wake up startled because I thought I heard him calling for me and now I am having a hard time remembering his voice. Last night was the first time in awhile I tried to recall his voice and it upset me when I had a hard time remembering.

So when I went to bed last night I prayed. I prayed for peace. I was really struggling. I told God that I didn't want to forget. I went to sleep and I dreamed of Nathaniel. Sweet happy dreams. I could hear him singing, playing, laughing and saying mama. I needed that.

I miss my baby boy. I will always miss him. I will have a few days now and again where my grief is raw and real. But the days that I think of him and smile now far outnumber painful days. Though grief is real and hard and overwhelming at times, eventually it gets better and you find yourself surviving, just surviving, your loss. Then over time you realize that you aren't just surviving, you are thriving despite the loss and moving forward.

Today's heart tip is simply to hug someone, an extra long I am so glad you are in my life and what would I do without you, hug. Its amazing what a hug will do for you and the one you are hugging.

*Chicken and Mac-e cheese was the last thing Nathaniel ever said to me, besides calling for mama.

1 comment:

Kristine said...

A huge virtual hug. I love the title of your post. Thanks for sharing that little bit of Nathaniel with us.