Nine years seems like forever ago. And then it doesn't. I still remember the details so clearly that I can easily let emotions overtake me and I feel exactly as I did nine years ago. I remember walking out with all his stuff, but no son. I was destroyed. But then on the other hand nine years is a long time.
Yesterday marked nine years passed that Jesus took our sweet boy home. I just couldn't blog yesterday. I wasn't depressed or despondent, but I was sad. I didn't think I could clearly express how far I have come.
See, someone asked me about a month ago how I was doing. They were asking how we moved on. I thought for a moment about that question. And I answered her this, "we have a new norm that doesn't leave the grief behind, but that has grief in it, but not at it's focal point." See I have learned that grief is part of my life, but it's not my whole life. You see, I still reserve the right to miss and grieve my son anytime, but I also know that it's not healthy to live in a perpetual state of grief. My life will always have a certain degree of grief, but now instead of every waking moment being bone crushing grief, thinking of Nathaniel makes me smile. I see his precious face and I think of how funny he was and how sweet and loving he lived out everyday. Would that sweet, loving boy want his mama sitting around, unable to function through life because of grief? Absolutely not! I have learned that when I miss him most, I'm still thankful he is no longer suffering. I have learned I can live a joyful life because joy comes from God and I don't have to live a broken, sad life. And I don't feel like I'm dishonorable Nathaniel by living out life joyfully, I feel like its a bigger honor to him that I do.
Over the years I have lost many loved ones. So have you. Grief comes to us all at some point, it's how you chose to deal with those losses that define how you will live out the rest of your life. Ii miss my son. I miss his precious smile, his infectious giggles, I hate that we didnt get the chance to see him baptized or filled with the Holy Ghost, I miss seeing him grow into a man. But, because of him, I love more deeply, I cling tighter and I strive to never take those I love for granted.
I'm just a broken woman. Many things of caused gashes and gouges in my heart and spirit, but none so great as losing Nathaniel. Thankfully a loving God bound those wounds with His own hands and brought healing where, for years, I didn't think there could be.
Life is but a vapor, none of us are guaranteed another day, week or year with those we love. Make the most of the time you have with ones who are living. Grieve and live, grieve and live and press onward.
So if you ask me today if I still grieve the answer is yes. I just don't live there, I only visit occasionally.