Tuesday, October 29, 2013

You Don't Need It

It's late, the hall lights have been dimmed and I'm heading down the hall for a late night walk.  I pass the room next to ours and there stands a young mother, worried expression on her face, one hand on a hip and the other hand on her face.  Behind her you can hear an IV alarming and her nurse call light is flashing.  She is watching like a mama hawk for the next unsuspecting nurse to fix whatever is happening whether it's her nurse or not.  A nurse appears from around the corner, smiles kindly and escorts her back into the room speaking in calm tones.

I grinned as I rounded the corner.  It's her first child, it's a baby (under a year, we passed in the hall the next day) and the baby has never been in the hospital except to be born.  I know all these things to be true, I could tell by the look on her face.  (And yes later, my assumptions were confirmed)  I giggled inside as I took my walk thinking about all of us "veteran" hospital moms.  We look at the IV and if it's something we can do we hit the button, if not we silence the loud beeping and call the nurse and we know they will come.  We wait, usually calmly feet up reading a book.

I'm a veteran hospital mom.  I've earned the badges, I've logged the hours.  I know what it's like to have an infant on the brink of death at birth, a toddler in open heart surgery (twice), countless hospital stays, a code blue in the PICU on my baby and more recently watching my preteen baby suffer in pain and then undergo life altering surgery.  And we're not done.  More surgery and hospital stays to come.

But on this late night walk my mind wandered as I thought of that poor mama who desperately looked as if she needed a hug, the Lord started turning things over in my mind.  Revealing more of me, more of our human nature.

How many times have I been thrown into scary, new, desperate and outcome unknown situations and I, with panic in my heart hit that button??  I stood waiting with fear in my heart wondering when God was going to hear my alarm and come running to it.  And fearing He wasn't coming, I would try to figure out it myself and make this work out right.  (Hahahahahaha, that has NEVER worked out)  I wasn't waiting with faith and patience, I was waiting with fear and doubt wondering why He wasn't responding to my most urgent need RIGHT NOW?!?

The nurse was coming, she heard the IV alarming, she was getting the medicine the baby needed and was coming right back.  But the mama was afraid.  I get it.  I do.  I have been there.  Now, unless something horrific is happening, I keep my feet up in the recliner and wait~knowing she will come as soon as she can.  But I'm not nearly as calm when the hard financial winds toss my ship to and fro or when my faith journey leads onto a dark, narrow path and I would really like just a hint of what is ahead and the answer back is, "it's a faith walk not the Vegas strip.  Trust me."

God knows.  He knows EXACTLY what is going on in my little world.  He sees my storm and He isn't worried.  He knows He has put in me the tools to walk that path and whether this storm until He sees fit for it to subside and yet I seem to always forget. . .and I hit that button.  The panic button.

Instead of taking it to God in prayer and leaving it there I hit the panic button with fear and doubt wondering if He even knows my name and spring into action on my own.  I know better.  I'm a veteran.  I've been in church my whole life, had the Holy Ghost for 28 years and I have countless altars built that stand as a reminder of all He has done.  Veterans should know better.

So what am I saying?  Fear is a real emotion, BUT if we don't stomp it out when it's a baby emotion fire, it grows up to a full blown spirit of fear with roaring blue flames that will burn out all that is good in your life.  I know, I am speaking as one who has been delivered from that big, ugly spirit.  Experience the emotion, pray and leave it in the King of Kings very capable hands and don't hit that button.

As a matter of fact. . . uninstall that button, destroy it and throw the pieces away.  You don't need the button. . . He already knows and is working it out for your good.

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